Everyone's probably been waiting with bated breath to hear about my glamorous adventure to Hawaii. It was quite exciting as well as relaxing, I assure you. But that's not what I'm here for today. I'm here to talk about sausage. I know what the Viceroy contingent will surely be saying, it's all in good fun until Mike ends up with the sausage in the mouth, but this is more along the lines of Gavin's ongoing series recounting the Horrors of Food.

Apparently some guy thought it would be a great idea to use his macro lens – the same kind that Judith often uses to bring us amazing pictures of birds, bugs, and flowers – to photograph something she probably wouldn't chomp even with your teeth: processed meats.

Did you think it'd be nasty? Have a look. It is.

Just sharing a bit of fall-time enjoyment for cool nights:

HOT CIDER TODDY

• 3 parts apple cider
• 1 part brandy
• cinnamon
• allspice
• squeeze of lemon juice

Heat the cider with the cinnamon (stick or sprinkle) and allspice (whole or ground). Strain the spices out if you use whole ones. Pour in the brandy and squeeze a bit of juice over it. Really simple but a great way to take some chill off during cider season.

Just don't do it. Don't try to make mole. Find a decent Mexican restaurant and just go buy some. Even if you manage to find an "easy" or "quick" recipe, if it's worth its salt (and 5000 other ingredients) it'll take you all day to make. And chances are, it's not going to taste how you think it should. The only thing you're less likely to have success with is Tandoori chicken. At least until I get that tandoori installed in the backyard.

I consider myself something of a foodie, but upon returning from Scotland, these were the things we all craved. If I could have sustained myself on single malt whiskeys the whole time, trust me, I might have. While England is the country most notorious for bland, beef-and-potato food, its neighbor Scotland is not much better off. The only saving grace of the west coast is the ultra-fresh seafood: I had both the best scallops and mussels I've ever eaten. But they don't do curry well, as popular as it is, and fish and chips get old fast. And while haggis isn't as nasty as it sounds, I'd be hard pressed to eat it every day. The main problem of mine? They seemed to have two flavors, salt and sugar. I've never been a huge fan of super-salty or super-sweet food. But those scallops. Yum.

All in all, a very full week in Argyll, consisting of:

• a 3-night stay at Stonefield Castle hotel in Tarbert (where the view was amazing and the game and fish offerings easily eclipsed most food around)
• trips to ruined castles, Iona Abbey, Fingol's Cave on Staffa Island, and some more ruined castles
• A couple-night stay in Oban that yielded this knowledge: try not to hang out in O'Donnell's Irish pub for too long.
• a wedding

Yes, all of the above. Glad to be back in my own time zone, it's time to get back to the grind though.